It
is well known that Paul Tisdale has said that he likes to employ proper chaps –
he described Artur Krysiak as one when he signed him – but what makes a proper
chap ? I looked for advice to The Chap magazine. I e-mailed the editor. He
didn’t reply. Not much of a chap, then. Or maybe with all the recent national
exposure – Mirror, Times, BBC – Tis is too big for The Chap. Although from the national coverage it would
seem that it is a challenge for anyone to write an article about Tisdale
without using the word ‘dapper’.
However, on The Chap’s website they have a manifesto which may provide a
few pointers.
Thou shalt always wear tweed: Even Tisdale himself is unlikely to qualify
under this. It looks like a fall at the first hurdle, as I expect it’s a fair
while since City had a tweed wearing player, even though His Vintage Life
magazine have recently declared “Yes, tweed is in.” However I doubt that any of
today’s youth will be at a shopping centre near you soon with tweed trousers
belted half way down their legs.
Thou shalt never not smoke:
Well, we’re on safer ground with this one after all the fuss surrounding
Jack Wilshere. On the cover of the 76
-77 promotion DVD, Tony Kellow can be seen having a post-match tab whilst
pouring champagne into a paper cup. Whether Kellow was a ‘proper chap’ is a
matter of conjecture. I have no idea how
many, if any, of course, of the current squad smoke. Disturbingly, I think The
Chap may be referring to pipe smoking as a more refined, flamboyant intake of
nicotine. Oh, and a Modern Grammarian would say ‘thou shalt never
use a double negative’.
Thou shalt always be courteous to
ladies: Think I should put this down as ‘not tested’
and move swiftly on. Last season we did
have a loan player who was accused of not being at all courteous to a lady. He
was acquitted.
Thou shalt never, ever wear
pantaloons de Nimes: Or denim jeans to you and me. Well, obviously if you always wear tweed
you’d never wear jeans. Now, it is my understanding that jeans were going out
of fashion as the young people associate them with their parents and old fogeys,
citing Jeremy Clarkson as an example – and I’d argue that Clarkson is
definitely not a proper chap. Hence I
would think the current squad may have a lot of qualifiers under this criteria
but a very high number of past players would dip out.
Thou shalt always doff one’s hat: Ah, hats. Something else
Tisdale specialises in. Not sure the
woollen versions as sported by John O’Flynn – or is that his hair dyed ? –
really count. I remember Stuart Storer
wearing a broad brimmed hat that led to him being compared in We’ll Score Again
to one of the characters in the film Tombstone about Wyatt Earp and the OK
Corral. As to the matter of doffing,
Tisdale certainly didn’t doff his natty fake fur creation when he came into the
away end at Norwich a few seasons ago. But it was damn cold.
Thou shalt never fasten the
lowest button on thy weskit:
Who on earth habitually where’s a
weskit, sorry, waistcoat these days ? I
wrote that shortly before watching a Match of the Day where then Palace manager
Ian Holloway is wearing a waistcoat.
With the lowest button fastened. Then the following day I saw James
Lance in one on a MoneySupermarket ad. Again fully buttoned. And shortly
afterwards, in the video of Army Of Two, Olly Murs in a waistcoat with the
lowest button undone. Maybe the weskit is also making a comeback. Particularly if it’s tweed.
Thou shalt always speak properly:
I don’t know whether it is because they have media training these days
but players when interviewed by TV always seem surprisingly eloquent. Or perhaps I have particularly low
expectations. I think even Steve
Tully’s, erm, shall we say ‘fruitier’ televisual comments might still pass
muster with The Chap as their beef seems to be with textspeak and slang rather
than profanity. Blates.
Thou shalt never wear plimsolls
when not doing sport: It then goes on to say that a chap wouldn’t
be doing sport. I think only Neil Saunders may qualify on that count. Although they do make an exception for cricket,
so Mr Tisdale’s Lords Taverners
experience and the team that played Topsham St James would qualify. I also believe past players like Jimmy Giles
and Stuart Storer were useful cricketers, and remember seeing a charity match
at the County Ground – the rugby ground – at the time that Kellow and Hatch
played – and Graham Weeks lived almost next door to the ground.
Thou shalt always worship the
trouser press: I suspect the hotels City stay at probably
don’t have a trouser press in the room. And, once again, I’d hazard a guess
that only Mr Tisdale would use one.
Thou shalt always cultivate
interesting facial hair: This is clarified by The Chap as moustaches,
so Tommy Doc and Pat Baldwin’s beards don’t quite make it. And designer stubble
definitely doesn’t come up to the mark. Peter
Fox’s Ned Flanders impression may just sneak in, but Stuart Storer’s tache is a
certain sign that he may well be a chap.
In fact there is probably a decent eleven or even full blown squad of
moustached players in City’s history.
However, they’d all be fairly uniform and probably not qualify as
‘interesting’.
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| Arthur Ransome Image via Medlar Press |
So
what conclusions can we draw from The Chap manifesto with regard to what a footballing version of a ‘proper chap’ may
be ? It would’ve been a damn sight
easier in Arthur Chadwick’s time to find a moustached, hatted, waistcoated
gent. And what The Chap really seems to
be aiming for is a latter-day Arthur Ransome, the author of Swallows and
Amazons. Most surprisingly of all, it
would appear that Tis’s next signing is most likely someone who’s been recorded
correctly wearing his waistcoat, has facial hair (albeit stubble), is known to
wear hats and be courteous to ladies.
Extensive research (0.25 seconds on Google; other search engines are
available) tells me that he was a striker at school, played in Soccer Aid and
also played for Witham Town, currently in the Ryman League North and managed by
former City loanee Garry Kimble. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I give you Mr Olly
Murs.
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