Moaners of the World Unite

This is the full version of the article originally published in Exeter City fanzine Some Sunny Day in September 2013, the one that became known as 'the throat slitting issue' (see post 164 on page 17).

             And so the team of all the talents has been assembled and it only remains to be seen how it will perform. But less about this fanzine…
            Those who may have wondered what I’ve been doing with my time lately (ie nobody) may be interested to hear that I’ve been working on a screenplay about Maurice Wright cleaning the away end toilets when he finds an explosive device. Will Maurice be able to deal with the bomb and save the parish of St James from being devastatingly contaminated ?  It’s tentatively titled Shite House Down.
            My place of work (yes, I know that those who have met me will be surprised that I am in full-time employment) is to be the subject of a ‘fly on the wall’ documentary. While viewers might be baffled by an office where everyone wears balaclavas – the powers that be agreed to the programme; nobody actually wants to appear in it – we may take the opportunity to popularise the phrase ‘dog toffee’.
            The original football fanzine boom was based on reaction against things that appeared to threaten the beautiful game, such as compulsory membership schemes or property developers buying grounds to make a profit from their redevelopment.
 

Taken from FCUM AD

           As such the fanzine was seen as a place for fans to have a rant about things they disagreed with about how their club or football in general was being run. Possibly this campaigning spirit has died, although this may be down to there being less to complain about.  The late, lamented (?) Siege Army had a flag with ‘Against Modern Football’ on it.  I have been to games at Alphington, Civil Service, Crediton, Exmouth etc and have not seen this flag being paraded at any of them – but then as it is probably languishing under the Big Bank with the other Siege Army paraphernalia, that’s probably not much of a surprise.  Perhaps I should borrow it and take it to some local league games. I’m assuming that this is in support of the likes of FC United of Manchester and the takeover of bigger clubs by foreign investors who place the club into debt.  I’m also assuming that those displaying the banner are the self-same people who’d like City to be taken over by a ‘sugar daddy’. The only other interpretation I can put on it is that what the  people who are against modern football want is players dressed like proper chaps with Victorian moustaches and using the old leather footballs with laces.  Whilst I’m on the subject of the Siege Army, I was thinking of requesting that as part of the build-up to the start of the game at the Park that I Will Follow Him by Little Peggy March should be played over the tannoy. For those of you with internet access, it is available on the likes of Youtube.  Watch it, listen to it and think of the image that the Siege Army were trying to project.
            Personally, the biggest axe I have to grind is that I’d like to know what the job descriptions are for the Chairman and the Chief Executive Officer of the club.  What are their long term projects and aims ?  What are their day to day activities with regard to achieving those aims ?  I know that one of Norrie Stewart’s aims when he was here was to increase usage and income of the Social Club by trying to appeal to students who make up the vast majority of the populace around the Park.
            I was thinking of standing for the Trust board but believe that my election address explaining why I wished to be elected saying just “I want to go to Brazil” may not have proved too popular with the voters.  All Trust members are equal, but some are more equal than others.
            City played in yellow and blue against AFC Wimbledon to celebrate the club’s connection with, erm, Sweden ? Crediton ? AFC Wimbledon ? Civil Service changing their name to Exwick Villa ? No, search me.
            My major concern this season, once expectations of anything spectacular happening on the playing front had been lowered, is the state of the programme.  What was an award winning magazine has become a comic.  Only around a quarter of the pages have a ‘significant’ amount of text on.  Thirty of the eighty pages are ads – congratulations to the marketing department for selling so many, but it doesn’t give the reader value for money – and double pages of ads will, in all probability, just be turned over and not read, whereas ads facing text may have, at least, some subliminal effect while the facing page is being read.

Image via theroguenews,com

          The ‘steak, chips and lager’ player questionnaires have reached their eventual conclusion as a page of pictures – gee, thanks, I’d never have known what football boots, a cup of hot chocolate or a Chinese takeaway was if I didn’t have the visual clues (on the other hand, I still have no idea who John O’Flynn’s favourite band, Aslan, are having seen them). The away team ‘profiles’ are two pages of photos so if you’re watching the game thinking “didn’t he used to play for…” unless it’s obvious by looking at a full face photo then you won’t know. By contrast, even when Bristol City had a fold out A2 poster for a programme against Crystal Palace in the League Cup they still had pen pictures of the away players. The match reports are simply pictures and a basic timeline, but handily a diagram to scan if you’ve got a whizzy phone if you actually wish to read the online report, a positive boon for those without the internet.  A friendlies round up of one paragraph descriptions started with the Clevedon game: “City travel to Mansfield for the first time in over ten years…” – well, yes they did, but what’s that got to do with Clevedon ?  My overall view of this season’s programme: utter dog toffee. Please note: at the time of writing I had no idea of the lay out of this publication and, should it contain a high proportion of ads and photomontage, may look a complete berk.
            I doubt this is the correct place for this but could I make a request for the person in Stadium Way with the big screen TV which can be seen from the Big Bank to turn on the subtitles when City are playing ? This would have been particularly useful during the Wycombe JPT game which was extremely dull.  We could’ve watched the Great British Bake Off instead.
            As stated earlier I’ve watched a fair bit of local league football and so am used to shouts from the technical areas like ‘squeeze’, ‘shape’ etc (may I just add here that I was behind George Kent in the tea queue at Exmouth ?) but I did hear recently the shout ‘touch time’ which sounds more like something that would be investigated under Operation Yewtree.
           

City may well have missed a trick with the Great Gorilla Trail. This, for those of you who haven’t heard of it, is the art project of gorilla sculptures across Torbay and Exeter that have been designed by local artists and schools. Now what I think City should have done, although I’m not sure it was an option, was to sponsor one that could have gone in, say, Red Square wearing City kit.  As I say the opportunity has been missed, but a larger, more daring one is available.  Paignton Zoo has six live gorillas. Now, if some brave soul is willing to break into Paignton Zoo and put a City kit on one of them this would be a major promotional coup for the football club. I believe this is known as guerrilla marketing.

Things I’ve Learnt This Season So Far

·         If I Google the name of an old flame, the first entry I get is “Queen of Tarts”

·         There is a country park about a mile from Dagenham’s ground patrolled by an Alsatian with a crazed look in its eyes.

·         Northern Ireland fans chanted at Ronaldo “You’re just a cheap Gareth Bale”.

·         The Railway pub in Dagenham has been converted to a Tesco Express but still has the pub sign outside.

·         Whilst Central Library is being refurbished the library is housed in the old library that was the new library built just after the war.

·         Aleksandr Orlov, the meerkat, is voiced by the actor who plays Michael the Geordie in Alan Partridge.

·         Marks and Spencer sell onesies.