Review: Dog Birthday Cake

Now, this may seem rather odd as I can't actually canvass the opinion of the eater of the dog birthday cake because she's a dog.
It looks like an out-of-date hamburger patty that's been iced and re-sold in an attempt to fill a gap in the market.  It is very hard and looks a bit like a charcoal briquette. The box says it's made from meat and animal derivatives, by which I think they mean the recovered bits that aren't fit for human consumption.
     It obviously smells good to a dog because she took the box and wandered off into a corner so it wouldn't be taken off her.  I then had to take it off her in order to take it out of the box, so she wouldn't eat that as well. Despite it being rock hard and, seemingly, only cuttable with an angle grinder, the dog made very short order of it. However it did look afterwards as if someone had trodden dried mud into the carpet. 
     In fact, so much did the dog enjoy it that a few days later she pinched the remaining bit of another dog cake I had given to another dog that wasn't allowed to eat the whole thing in one go.
     Hence I would say that it must taste good to a dog and was clearly  a hit.

Summer Hits

     I have read that the formula for finding your 'summer hit' is to find what was top of the charts on midsummer's day when you were 17. In my case that would be June 21st 1981 and, thanks to the wonders of t'internet and search engines, that would be Being With You by Smokey Robinson (apologies if the Youtube link starts with an annoying ad).  The full top 40 for that week may be viewed here http://www.officialcharts.com/archive-chart/_/1/1981-06-20/ and those songs which I prefer from that chart I wouldn't really associate with summer in particular.
      In fact, I associate summer hits with pop trash (I think I've fared fairly well with Smokey Robinson - the example I saw was from someone born the year after me and one year after Mr Robinson was No 1 it was Charlene with I've Never Been To Me) and bland Europop that people have heard on holiday.  Added to that, I believe that music sales fall during summer so that big summer hits are rarely high up in the yearly charts, unless they stay at the top for many weeks.

Chocolate Review: Maltesers Teasers

From greatbritishfood.de

A big bar rather than a couple of small bars in the same packet, but rather odd bubble shapes for the individual pieces.  I have found in the past that the Maltesers in boxes of Celebrations more enjoyable than the ones you can buy in bags. I have no idea whether they actually taste different but it certainly seems that way.  I failed to make any notes on the bar while actually eating it, so I'm going to have to ad lib from memory.
      The taste was more like the Celebrations Maltesers than regular Maltesers, which was a bonus. Also, due to it being in bar form, there was a greater ration of chocolate to the 'malty' bits, again I see this as a plus, making it more susceptible to the savour test than spherical Maltesers, which are soon denuded of chocolate from sucking.
      In summary, an enjoyable bar, a sort of extended version of Celebrations' Maltesers.

Chocolate Review: Wispa Bits

From chocolatebuttons.co.uk

The premise of Wispa Bits is that they are, erm, bits of Wispa, the chocolate bar brought back 'by popular demand'.  I'm sure the packet I had was marked 'Wispa  Bits', but I can't find the photo and an internet search comes up with 'Wispa Bites' or 'Bitsa Wispa'.  I'm assuming as they're all perfectly shaped that this isn't a way of marketing misshapes and broken bits. They actually look a bit like children's building bricks, but with no way of connecting them, like Lego or Sticklebricks. However they taste like Cadbury's flake, despite the claim that "only the crumbliest flakiest chocolate..."  Whilst I hate the word 'moreish' - and I don't mean they're like Othello - but I found it very difficult to put the packet down.


Golden Years

Originally published in an edited form in Some Sunny Day Issue 2.

            This was originally planned as a sort of ‘misery memoir’, a form of literature that was recently popular, with the likes of Angela’s Ashes by Frank McCourt, which, surprisingly, had nothing to do with cricket.  Almost any long term follower of any football team could produce something along the lines of Colin Shindler’s Manchester United Ruined My Life, which was a shortened title which should have continued ‘by being really successful whilst Manchester City were a bit shit’.  He subsequently wrote a follow up, Manchester City Ruined My Life, about how the club’s take over by rich owners brought the Premiership title but removed the club from its original fan base. There’s no pleasing some people.  But it’s that sort of masochism that seems to unite football supporters.  As I say, I was going to cheer younger readers up with tales of being one of only five fans in the away end at Doncaster as City lost 6-1, how one of my mates got locked in at Bolton because they forgot that there were any away fans, how 14 of us arrived at Darlington to be told that the club had told Darlo they didn’t expect anyone to travel and we still outsung the home fans.  Yes, these and other stories of strikers who were more barn door than ballon d’or, midfielders who’d struggle to pass water and defenders who couldn’t tackle a toddler all form part of my anecdotage. Then I read a review of Shindler’s second book by Nicholas Blincoe in The Daily Telegraph which contained the sentence “If you are English, male and thinking of writing an autobiography, The Diary of a Nobody hovers over you like a huge, taunting clown’s face”. However, that may not stop me in future issues.

So has it really been that bad that ‘misery memoir’ is where you’d file a Pooterish version of watching City for over 40 years ?  Is the current season any worse than average ? Am I asking too many questions ?  In an egocentric, solipsistic style, I decided to look at the statistics since I was born – during a promotion season – to see what City’s average League position is and what has been the win ratio down the years.  And for added spice I’ve done the same for Argyle and Torquay.  If you were thrilled by the technical drawing in the last issue, prepare to be dazzled by graphs, pie charts and histograms (well, one of each actually).  And may I add the accountant’s rider of errors & omissions excepted ? And I do know of the existence of the book How To Lie With Statistics.
 

See graph above for the relevant finishing positions per season, reproduced too small for anybody to re-interpret them particularly in glorious monochrome. City’s average League position (and ‘League’ includes the Conference years) over the last 50 seasons is 76.66^th, that’s 8^th and two-thirds in  tier 4 (currently known as League 2), with a win percentage of 33.9%, 28% draws and 38.1% defeats (see pie chart right).   Argyle’s average position is 52.54 – 8 and a half in tier 3 (League 1) with W, D and L percentages of 34.7%, 27.2% and 38.1% whilst Torquay averaged 78.36^th position - 10^th and a third in tier 4 – with WDL percentages of 34.8%, 27.5% and 37.7%.  So Plymouth have the highest average position but also the highest percentage of defeats (38.08% to City’s 38.06%), Torquay have the lowest average position but the highest percentage of wins and City have the highest percentage of draws; I blame Colin Appleton .
When I say ‘average’, I mean the mean. For City, Argyle and Torquay the median (the middle one when placed in order) League positions are 78^th, 51.5^th and 79^th respectively (or 10^th in tier 4, 7.5^th in tier 3 and 11^th in tier 4).  For the sheer sport of it, I also looked at the modal League position (the position the side has finished most often) for the three Devon sides, City have finished 63^rd, 82^nd and 89^th three times each (19^th in tier 3, 14^th and 21^st in tier 4) and Argyle have finished 38^th, 52^nd and 59^th four times each (18^th in tier 2, 8^th and 15^th in tier 3).  When choosing to quote the modal average, I was hoping to be able to write “on average over the last 50 years, Torquay United have been bottom of the League” as I know they’ve finished 92nd four times. However they’ve been 77^th (9^th in tier 4) a phenomenal six times.   

My next hypothesis was that of those 50 seasons, City’s worst spell was the Nineties after relegation from the third tier.  Therefore I broke down the statistics into ten year periods.

Years	Average Lge Posn
1964-73	77.6
1974-83	64.6
1984-93	75.1
1994-2003	84.2
2004-13	81.8

 And this is where the glorious histograms, normally known as bar charts, come in (see left).  City’s highest loss percentage and lowest win percentage – the draw percentage is surprisingly stable – is for the period 1994 -2003, which, surprisingly seeing as City’s lowest positions are in the 5 seasons following 2003, is also the period of the lowest average position, The highest win percentage, possibly due to those Conference years, is in the last ten seasons.  Similar percentages to the 94-03  period would just about glean 50 points, often seen as the total necessary for survival.  I would therefore argue that this season is roughly average at the time of writing, although the draw percentage is a little low.  It could also be argued that the last ten seasons have been the most successful, certainly in terms of games won.

So, does anybody know what the sequel to Angela’s Ashes was called ?

 

Sexton A Blake

Chocolate Review: Club Gold

Apparently this is a regular Club bar but with a 'caramel flavour coating'.  The 'caramel' tastes like white chocolate and it's not gold but yellow - as you can see from the picture it looks more like a lump of cheese.
Despite these misgivings I found this an enjoyable bar, but less so than a regular milk chocolate Club.

Ground Swell

 

 Originally published in an edited form in Some Sunny Day Issue 2.

          It’s a slight irony that City have drawn Peterborough in the Cup, as it was at London Road many years ago that the most absurd set up to a tired punch line occurred. A friend and I, at his insistence, had a one-legged race from the turnstile to the tea hut.  He won, I fell over.  Obligingly the woman in the tea hut asked what we were doing and my friend said “We’re groundhoppers.”
            These days if you want to get to a ground, you can get directions from the internet.  The best I’ve yet seen are on Guildford City’s site where alongside the usual directions for car, train or bus they have “Helicopter: please contact the club if you wish to arrive by helicopter.” Also on their website is an offer of half price entry on presentation of a season ticket from any football club.
            Many moons past, I would attend almost every City game home and away and usually managed to take in around 60 games a season. I wouldn’t say I’ve ever been at the stage where I watch kids’ games in the local park but as long as a game is a relatively even contest I’m not that bothered about the level I’m watching – although I do get a bit miffed if they don’t produce a programme.
        

Tues 24^th Sep  Crediton United v Sidmouth Town.  Lords Meadow is a tidy, tree-lined ground that is very attractive despite being on an industrial estate next to a leisure centre.  There is a small stand and a terrace on the side nearest to the entrance.  On the far side is a stand that contains old café tables, one of the oddest things I’ve seen at a football ground as they are on the opposite side of the pitch to the tea hut.  I have been to Crediton several times now and find football at Peninsula League Division 1 level very relaxing, perhaps because I have no real commitment to it and can view it dispassionately.  Sadly, I forgot to take any notes and there are no reports on t’interweb to crib from.  All I can remember is that Crediton’s opener in a two-nil win was a corker from twenty yards, if there’d been a referee’s assessor at the game he would have got writers’ cramp and a very small lad trying to return the match ball to the keeper fell on his arse.

Sat 28^th Sep  Bristol City v Colchester United.  The day starts with my being woken by a thunderstorm. Smugly, I am happy that I do not have to set off for Fleetwood.  As the old wives tale goes, rain before seven, fine by eleven, and thundery showers was the forecast. I was also glad that I’d already made the decision to go to Ashton Gate rather than local league football as the rain was of biblical, match threatening proportions.  At  9am when I set off it was still pissing down. I could have waited a bit but had no idea when the deluge would stop.  I dodged the puddles and spray from passing cars on the way to the station.  It was a great way to find that my shoes leak.  Shouldn’t the day after the end of the cricket season be sunny ?  In Bristol it was raining but nothing like as badly as in Exeter.  I walked to the Gromit exhibition.  It was closed.  But then I was only interested to see if the queues were as long as they had been for the Banksy exhibition.  Opposite Bristol Museum there is a Subway next to a Wetherspoon; a fine juxtaposition.  After a ‘Spoons breakfast I made the pleasant riverside walk to Ashton Gate.   Again, a ground I’ve been to many times and I’ve now decided to sit regularly in the Williams Stand, or the Bird Shit Stand, as a friend calls it because he was crapped on at an evening game there.  The on loan Matt

Taylor is in Colchester’s team and Ryan Taylor is on the bench for the Robins. Matt Taylor is dominant in the air all game and scores Colchester’s goal from a poorly defended corner – Bristol City’s defending for the past couple of seasons has been utter dog toffee – but the Robins equalise through Sam Baldock, who could have won it near the end but fluffed his header. Ryan Taylor didn’t get on.  If the Robins move out to Ashton Vale it might prove trickier to get to for me and Bristol Manor Farm could become more attractive.  On the train home the guard announced “Crosscountry does not operate catering services in Cornwall” as if they feared that they might be ambushed if they carried food west of the Tamar. 

 

            With no local football to go to, I spent the week approaching the Donkey, sorry, Devon Derby biting the heads off green jelly babies.  And it may have been because of this that I was ‘followed’ by the police helicopter being 200 yards ahead of me all the way as I walked to the Park on that Saturday.

Tues 8^th Oct  Plans to go to Newton Abbot Spurs’ game against Sidmouth were scuppered because Spurs’ floodlights are currently not up to standard.

Mon 14^th Oct  Crediton United v Teignmouth.  Since my last visit they’ve finished ‘re-terracing’ the standing area with creosoted wood, and it could be the solvents in the creosote that were responsible for what I think I witnessed. The game was listed on both the website and in the programme as being on the Tuesday but had been moved because of the England game the next night.  It would have meant that a bizarre, see-saw game would’ve been seen by very few people indeed.  Teignmouth took the lead in the 8^th minute when the referee allowed play to continue after a foul had failed to bring down The Teigns right winger as he cut inside before placing a shot beyond the keeper.  The second was a deflected drive from former City trainee ‘Well Def’ Geoff Breslan and when they went three up with an audacious lob the game seemed over, even though Kirton pulled one back before half time with a curler from outside the area. 1-3 at half-time but a more even game than the scoreline would suggest, with the home side also have struck a post.  Credy pulled another back from a 20 yard free kick from Adam Bilcock, for which the sympathetic Teign lino commented “You shouldn’t have given away the foul” to his side’s defence.  Then the same player hit the post with another direct free kick before on 56 minutes the home side equalised when a corner was headed home at the far post.  Momentum now favoured Kirton, however,  the seaside town team got the next goal with a similar far post goal to Crediton’s equaliser, but from a free-kick.  Credy then pushed for a second equaliser leaving gaps at the back that allowed Teign striker Hayden Roe a clear run on goal to make it 5-3.  Crediton then made it 5-4 with a (presumably) practised corner to the right hand edge of the box for centre back Shaun Waring to sidefoot home.  And just when you might think they’d nick a point, Credy conceded another from a deft flick over the keeper after a sweeping passing move.  And that was how it ended.  Well Def Geoff tried a lot of fancy passes including one with the outside of his right boot from near the centre circle that hit the corner flag.

            I know this is meant to be about ground hopping and now I’ve done Crediton twice. I might as well do St James Park, I hear you say.

Wed 16th Oct  Exeter City v Exmouth Town, Edenvale Turf Ltd St Lukes Devon Challenge Cup.  What I used to like about the Bowl, as it’s still usually referred to, was visiting the non-league grounds, although trips to the wilds of North Devon could prove tricky for a non-driver.  Exmouth would’ve been one of the easier ones: train, bus, I could even walk it in a couple of hours.  However, I’m assuming a change of rules means that League clubs can get home draws before the semi-final stage this season and City were drawn at home.  I’ll bypass the need for a pen picture of the ground except to say that the number of ads for the main shirt sponsors make me wonder whether, if City were to follow Hull’s example and change name, the new moniker would be Flybe Knights.  But perhaps that would’ve been better suited to a previous regime. A young City side with a smattering of first team experience went a goal down on five minutes when a free-kick found Lewis Coombes unmarked at the far post.  The new scoreboard, reminiscent of Subbuteo games of my youth, was not on. I’m sure everybody was expecting one that would carry ads for the Kenjo Washeteria or whoever, and messages like “This corner sponsored by…”, “That manic shout of ‘gamble’ brought to you by…” or “That sliced shot bouncing down Oxford Road in association with…”  City replied soon after when a Tom Nichols free-kick was parried to Matt Jay, and then took the lead on 11 minutes when Jay again scored a poacher’s finish. It looked as though City were really going to run away with the game but there was no addition to the score before half time.  Early in the second half the splendidly named Ace High scored from close in at a time when I was still coming to terms with being told that away coach regular, Patrick, had asked the tea hut staff what kind of milk and sugar they used.  However, shortly after, Tom Nichols ran through to put City back in front. Late on Nichols sealed the win from the penalty spot after he’d been fouled – something I thought Tisdale didn’t like.  A disappointing crowd of 209 including a fair few Exmouth fans. Good entertainment for £4.

Sat 19^th Oct  Yeovil Town v Brighton.  The options when you arrive at Yeovil Junction in order to get into town are to take a suicidal walk down a country lane, get a taxi or take the bus.  I waited for the bus.  As the female bus driver and I are chatting while I try to find the exact fare because she has no change, the train from Waterloo pulls in and some Brighton fans get off.  “I hate football fans,” says she. I say nothing.   A fair number of the Brighton fans find the £2.40 single fare too expensive, so they get a taxi.  Maybe this is what has put the driver off football fans.  Intrepid soul that I am, I walk out to Huish Park, a not unpleasant, roughly 40 minute stroll.  It is whilst strolling that it occurs to me that the previous two times I’ve had a ticket for the Main Stand, Yeovil have won without conceding a goal; Yeovil’s record in the Championship thus far makes that an unlikely prospect.  Like any team coming up to the second tier – Peterborough being a prime example – they have two seasons to become all-seater as per the Championship’s ground requirements.  The Posh’s yo-yo existence means that they’ve dodged this particular criterion, and Yeovil’s start to the season implies

they might not need to comply either. However, Huish Park was built, even though The Glovers were then a non-League side, with the possibility of expansion at both terraced ends. Just before kick-off there is a cheer at the home end as the flag being passed across the Brighton end – think tricolour, but blue, white, blue – splits, with one of the blue sections parting from the rest of the flag.  The blue bit came in handy as a shelter when there was a rain storm just after kick off.  Dan Seaborne is on the bench for Yeovil.  The first half is dominated by a fine comedy performance from the referee, in the second half one of the linesmen hobbles off.  A game of few chances opens up in the last ten minutes as both teams realise that the three points are there for the taking, but neither team can score.  On the way back to the centre of town I pass the delightfully named Winking Frog Café.   

Wed 23^rd Oct  Exmouth Town v Elburton Villa.  No, I didn’t walk to Southern Road, I got a lift.  In the corner of the ground nearest to the station there are some donkeys (insert joke here), presumably used for beach rides during the summer.  If the game is poor, there are always the trains on the Avocet Line or people on the cycle path that runs alongside the tracks or even the cars on Marine Way, or the A376 as it’s less poetically known.  Between the ground and Marine Way there is a large ‘net’ style fence which would make an ideal place to hang the ‘Against Modern Football’ banner which would also prevent people from watching from the footpath there.  Southern Road has changed little in the last thirty-odd years except for the ‘new’ changing rooms.  On the railway side there is a rickety, covered wooden terrace that feels like it’s sinking when you stand in it, and alongside the dressing rooms is a breeze block stand with a handful of seats in, otherwise it is uncovered standing on a concrete path, apart from the set-back clubhouse.  Ace High is suspended and Exmouth’s players who are Royal Marines are required for an inter-unit tournament.  The first half is poor, but dominated by Elburton who hit the bar direct from a corner, have a long shot go just wide and are denied in a goalmouth scramble. Sitting in the breeze block stand I can clearly hear Richard Pears, Exmouth’s manager, ripping into his team. Possibly as a result, Town look much improved in the second half and soon have an effort cleared off the line.  They take the lead when a long ball forward is laid back for debutant Ed Palmer to score from a narrow angle after it looked like he’d over-run it. They go two up when a deep free kick is flick headed home by James Ansell. They nearly pinched a third when a shot from Alex Greening from the edge of the box hit the inside of the post and comes out.  Very late on Elburton pull one back with a James Bradley looping header across the keeper. 

            Thoughts of taking in Friday night’s Throgmorton Cup game between Crediton and Elmore were ditched when we found out that due to roadworks we’d need to go via Bickleigh.

            I shall be taking part in Movember, short for Mauricevember, by wearing a high viz jacket, walking like a velociraptor and shouting things like “crap”, “Norway” and “you can’t park here.”